Its that time again! Wednesday once more. Doesn’t it seem like the days start flying by once we hit the Halloween point? Nick and I were talking last night about how the stores have started pushing Christmas on us already – Old Navy was playing Christmas music over the weekend… I LOVE the Holidays and I like to plan ahead, start shopping early for them, etc. But, I also want to enjoy them in their own right. First is Thanksgiving – let’s enjoy the countdown to that, the anticipation of that beautiful meal shared with loved ones – THEN we can start with the decking of the halls.
Now that we’ve got that settled, back to working motherhood. Last week I discussed the need for a new routine, and a new routine, and a new routine. Over the past week I’ve been trying to get that in motion and find a routine that not only works, but makes me happy. Easier said than done.
Working from home is great in many regards – all of them rather obvious. The problem I am having lately is that I either just want to hold Spencer all day long (ah, what a great mom) or I wish I had sent him off to daycare/preschool with Mackenzie (terrible mother).
I’ve mentioned before that I don’t really want to be a stay at home mom. I need the sense of “career” – the sense of purpose outside of my home. Don’t get me wrong, I love both of our sons very much. But there are days when I simply don’t want to spend the whole morning talking goo goo ga ga and trying to keep this teething child happy. There are days I’d like to take a break from working and go do something just for me. I don’t know what would be just for me at this point – grocery shopping, a coffee date for myself?? Pathetic. I haven’t had enough time to myself in the last (??) years to even know what it is that I’d want to do.
I keep getting this feeling that I’m lost, that I’m failing at something, sinking in an ocean of “what I’m supposed to be” and “what I want to be.” I’m not sure what I think I’m failing – motherhood, work, I don’t know. Something is missing. And I’m pretty sure they don’t sell “it” at Target. Trust me, I’ve been there enough in the last two weeks to know – whatever it is I want/need right now, it isn’t on some shelf.
I feel guilty for feeling this way, but why? If I wasn’t working from home, Spencer would go to daycare every day. Who’s to say that I can’t have him go an extra day even now that I’m home? Is there a rule that says “work from home means kids are home”?? Is there? Perhaps.
I’m breaking it.
Instead of letting myself sink in this feeling, I made a decision yesterday to swim in it. To really let myself feel this way and to take the time to learn from it. Learn something about myself.
Sink or swim.
** You might also be interested in:
This is Why I’ll Never Be An Adult – by Hyperbole and a Half
Finding a routine is the hardest part – keep up the sense of humor and it’ll work out